SELF-PLEASURE-ISN-T-CHEATING Field Day Boutique

SELF PLEASURE ISN'T CHEATING

Content warning: discussion about controlling relationships with potential for escalating abuse. If you're triggered by or sensitive to these subjects, take extra care of yourself or skip this one. :-)

SELF 
PLEASURE 
ISN’T CHEATING 
AND CALLING IT CHEATING LEADS TO  UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS

 

THE REALITY: MOST PEOPLE MASTURBATE

A large majority of people masturbate, even in relationships.

Masturbating can relieve stress, increase bodily awareness, make it easier to orgasm, increase libido, help people figure out what they enjoy sexually, and is overall beneficial for most people.

Masturbation even appears to be correlated with increased relationship satisfaction and better communication between partners.

PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT DEFINITIONS OF CHEATING

But some people try to have control over how their partner thinks, talks, or acts and might call things “cheating” in order to morally defend their position. Exerting control over a partner’s independent sexuality can escalate to abuse.

Whether you’re monogamous, polyamorous, or something else, it is a good idea to discuss mutual agreements around cheating that feel realistic and comfortable in your relationship. Different couples will have different agreements.

RED FLAGS

  • They look through your search history or social media to see if you look at p0rn or sexy content
  • Red flags for escalating abuse include: privacy violations, unrealistic expectations, and seeing jealousy as a sign of love
  • Angry accusations that you were flirting with (or looking at) someone else
  • Unrealistic beliefs about sexuality like: “You can’t fantasize about anyone but me” “You wouldn’t masturbate if I was really enough for you” Believing that if you didn’t masturbate, you would: have sex with them more/have orgasms easier with them/etc

WHY SOME PEOPLE THINK SELF PLEASURE IS CHEATING:

PROBLEMS WITH SELF ESTEEM

Often, people who believe that masturbation is cheating have problems with self esteem.

For folks who connect their self worth with their perceived sexual adequacy, it can feel really painful to acknowledge the reality that their partner has desires or needs outside of the relationship.

Struggles with self esteem can stem from stress, dysfunctional family dynamics, societal pressure and more. Having issues with self esteem are common, and counseling and peer support can help. Controlling your partner is not the solution.

DISCOMFORT WITH JEALOUSY

Some people struggle with feeling jealous when they learn that their partner masturbates.

For people who are very uncomfortable with jealousy, this might lead them to ask (or tell) their partner not to masturbate. Or they may make rules like “you can only fantasize about me”.

Telling your partner that they shouldn’t masturbate is unlikely to succeed and can damage your relationship. A more successful and healthier route might start by getting curious about where that jealousy comes from. Controlling your partner will not solve the issue.

FEELING OWNERSHIP OF THEIR PARTNER’S DESIRE AND SEXUALITY

Some people feel threatened by their partner’s independent desire and believe that their partner should not have sexual urges or fantasies outside of the relationship.

Healthy relationships do not involve eliminating sexual or romantic desires, thoughts, and urges outside of the relationship because that is an impossible standard.

A partner wanting to monitor your thoughts or invade your privacy is not okay and can lead to escalating abuse. You cannot control another person’s desire.

Remember:

  1. If your partner masturbates, it does not mean they're unsatisfied with your relationship.
  2. If you try to control your partner, they will most likely become unhappy in your relationship.

 

IF YOU ARE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR SAFETY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, YOU CAN GET HELP

Virginia Sexual & Domestic Violence Action Alliance

https://vsdvalliance.org/ 1.800.838.8238 (hotline) 804.793.9999 (text an advocate)

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE

1-800-799-7233

VIRGINIA’S 24/7 LGBTQ+ HELPLINE

Text: 804.793.9999 LGBTQ Helpline: 1.866.356.6998

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